One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.