ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator