HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.