I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The fall of Netflix
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*