Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat