me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others