Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I found your tweet-up…
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life