I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.