Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.