BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter