Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back