Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.