Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
smartest karate player in the world
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often