my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”