Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Dear Lord..
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.