How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
So inspired right now.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*