me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok