Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.