you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.