My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.