Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.