I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?