If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Dolls on drugs
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Welcome
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me recordaron éste meme
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.