Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
You Might Also Like
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
#Caturday
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !