Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.