GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
My dad teaching me to drive
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.