He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Bringing home a sharpie