I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.