[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.