Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Beware of the dog..
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.