I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My Sentiments Exactly
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.