*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
RT if you could go either way.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.