Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
my name if I was in the mob
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.