a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself