Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.