Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
new career option?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket