Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week