Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”