So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
PLOT TWIST:
Accurate
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.