Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.