Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”