Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
you stereotypes are all alike
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.