I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Stick it to the man
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
my astrological sign is a french fry
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you