*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
scrabbled eggs
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying