I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.