“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
what kind of cook setting is this??
shit just got real
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds