[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.