I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
You Might Also Like
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The old gods are rising again.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month