Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
You Might Also Like
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner