How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend